Ah, the dreaded H. Nothing is more vulnerable that I can think of than sharing heartaches. Today, when we shared them in our girls leadership meeting my palms were sweaty and my stomach was in knots. I got over it.
I almost hesitate to share any more because I don't want anyone to misinterpret these heartaches for feeling sorry for myself. I am confident that God has purposed these for my good and His glory and I believe that sweet promise that His power is made perfect in weakness. So I will boast in those weaknesses in hopes that His power will be demonstrated in my life.
Some of the events of my past have caused me two heartaches. The first is for a person in my life who has been deeply hurt by those events. My sister is a wonderful girl. I admire so many things about her. She is strikingly beautiful, witty, and giving. Yet she fails to see that she is valuable. In fact, she spends a lot of time acting as if she were not worth much at all. I see a lot of her "behavior" completely wrapped up in the abandonment we all felt both times my mom divorced. Grace is a foreign concept to her. She often feels like the church would cave in on her if she were to walk through the doors. And it doesn't matter how much you tell her that there is no sin that could possibly discount what Christ did on the cross... she does not have the eyes to see or the ears to hear. My heart aches over her more deeply than it has ever over my own scars.
Oh, if dads only knew the magnitude of the influence that they have in their children's lives.
The other is this - intimacy is difficult for me. And I am not necessarily speaking about physical. I have no idea how I will respond to that, but we will cross that bridge when we get there. Even in friendships, I have to work very hard to figure out how to not run in the other direction when a certain level of closeness is reached. It's not so much that I am scared of it anymore, but that I'm not sure what it looks like. Several friends have helped me (and still are helping me) move further down that road by their loyalty and persistence in spite of my lack of effort. I praise God for them.
I also used to have a deep distrust of the male gender in general, especially those of the handsome and charming variety. Fortunately, God has placed several men in my life who fear Him and follow Him wholeheartedly. I know they exist. The current heartache is that I fear at times that none will ever want anything to do with me beyond a surface level friendship. What it really boils down to is that I don't trust God with that area of my life to the extent that He is trustworthy. I will always combat that with the truth that God is sovereign over all things. It is a comforting thing to understand that God is sovereign and that God is good. And God does not grant these things (specifically marriage) because we deserve them, but because He is gracious and concerned with bringing us to completion in Him.
Whatever your heartaches may be, may you find yourself casting your burdens first upon the Lord. And may you be eager to share the burdens of those around you. You will not ever be too much, too overbearing, too needy for Christ. His yoke is easy. His burden is light.
WOW Amy.....you haven't changed at all in the aspect of being totally open and honest, that is great! Unfortunately, I guess I haven't changed as much as I thought because there is no way I could just pour out my innner most emotions like that on a webpage! You continue to amaze and to astound me as usual. You were a very good "example" of what I would have liked to become but unfortunately I am not and probably never will be anything like you. That is what makes you the special person that you are and why I wish that we had remained friends and kept in contact after high school. You are a person that I looked up to all through high school, and you know that I had feelings for you then, and even though those feelings have changed a little I still love you dearly as friend. Even if we haven't seen each other since high school.
I have many heartaches, too many to list out, but the important thing to list here to me would be the fact that I am the happiest in my life now than I have ever been before. I have a loving relationship, 2 wonderful step kids and in the process of becoming a foster parent. I am scared to death that I will not be a good influence on these kids that are going to be coming into my house but I also want to have the chance to change their lives for the better. Last thing, I want you to realise the person that you are Amy and I want you to find a loving relationship like what I have! You deserve it and so much more because of everything that you give of yourself to everyone that you meet!
Until Next time, God Bless and don't change anything about yourself, you are perfect the way you are.
Posted by: Robert Narodowg | June 20, 2006 at 05:42 AM
You are so kind to me with your words as always, Robert. Please know, my intent is not to dig for affirmation. I know that those fears are unfounded and unlikely (as most fears are). God will pour out His grace as He sees fit to do so - anything else would leave me lacking.
I'm so glad to hear that you are so happy. May God grant you great wisdom to love, train, and influence the children He has entrusted to you.
Posted by: Spinney | June 21, 2006 at 06:22 AM
I know that you are not digging for affirmation, I promise that I did not take it that way at all Amy! I am glad to know that you are doing so well and that life has treated you good since high school. I haven't kept in touch with anyone from high school, kept in touch with James for about a year and then we kind of went our separate ways and I haven't seen him since right after my mom passed away. I would love to know how other people are doing from school. I ran into Carrie Brockman once at a Walgreens in Richardson when I was living there but that is about it. Do you keep in touch with anyone from school?
Posted by: Robert Narodowg | June 21, 2006 at 10:14 AM
I miss you.
Posted by: Becky | July 02, 2006 at 09:38 PM
Spinney........come back soon. See: Becca's comment above.
Posted by: david | July 03, 2006 at 09:50 PM
Spinney, it's been like a month already. Where the heck art thou?
Posted by: Micah | July 15, 2006 at 02:25 AM